how in the world am i already
T W E N T Y
W E E K S ?
biggest news... we found out we are having a baby GIRL!
we melted like popsicles with the news. especially bry.
^^our tiny babe at our 18 week ultrasound. i just die at her bent-in-half body with her cute little bum and belly poking out. so fun to see her little legs kicking around in there.
I wanted to write a little bit about my emotional journey being pregnant, because I think it's important for others to hear. All you really hear about, is how amazing it is being pregnant and how much you're going to love it. What you don't hear, however, is also how hard it can be, all the feelings of inadequacies, how sensitive your feelings and emotions become, and how much you start to sacrifice from the very beginning.
I have always wanted to be a mother. From the time I was a tiny munchkin and dragging dolls around with me everywhere, to babysitting all the neighborhood kids as a kid, and eventually finding jobs as a nanny all through college... I got a lot of different tastes of how others mothered their children, and learned what I hoped I could incorporate in my own family one day. I married Bry with complete confidence in him that he'd be the cutest dad in the entire world, and since then I've looked forward to seeing him with our own littles.
At the first sign that we were pregnant, I was overcome with happiness and excitement that only grew as the weeks passed. But around week 12-13, even though I was still filled with excitement, I started experiencing a lot of doubt too. Here's why.
When you're pregnant, it's so easy to feel afraid or totally inadequate, when really you know deep down you have been preparing your entire life for what's ahead. It's so easy to feel like you're just getting fat, when really your increasing weight is only helping your little babe grow and is vital to their development. It's so easy to feel deceived that your "fun" life full of money is going to quickly disappear, when really the fun will just be beginning, and the money will be well spent. It's so easy to get frustrated at your spouse for the little things, when you hormones are raging. It's so easy to feel exhausted when your sleep cycle is interrupted by bathroom breaks night after night... (when really, who else would I rather give up my sleep for, than a precious little girl?) It's so easy to feel discouraged, when your clothes gradually stop fitting right, and you hope you'll fit back into them one day. It's so easy to feel lonely, when it seems like you're the only one experiencing so much craziness... when really, you're not alone.
But through experiencing all this, I have come to realize some things I thought I'd share:
I never cared if my mom was looking like a super star, when she was the one playing outside with me in a rainstorm collecting rain in bright colored buckets. I never cared if my mom burned the dinner, when she had popsicles and ice cream cones as back-up. I never cared if her clothes were the latest fashion when she was sitting front row cheering me on at my first soccer game with orange slices for halftime. I never cared if our house had the latest pinterest-worthy updates, when she had my art taped all over the kitchen walls making me feel so special. I never cared if my mom drove the nicest car in the neighborhood, when she'd take me to dance class or piano lessons week after week. All I knew, is how much I loved her, how beautiful I thought her smile was, how much I depended on her hand to hold, and how much she was doing every day to make me feel loved and important. My mother is the most selfless and most courageous woman I know. How lucky I was to grow up in her home.
As a mother, you have to remember how important you are, and how much your little one will love and adore you for all your efforts, no matter how you feel. I hope I never forget that.
I remember vividly, an encounter during my junior year of college, when I was having a hard time declaring my major. I loved to do so many things, and found myself torn between a few different majors and paths of study. I arranged a meeting with my school counselor, who I hoped could shed some light on my decision. I sat down with her and we explored some things I loved to do. I remember her looking at me intently and asking the question, "Meg, what is it that you really hope to be?" I thought for a moment, looked her back in the eye and told her boldly that really all I wanted to be one day, was a mother. I'll never forget her expression full of disbelief, and almost mockery. Her look of shock was something that didn't match up with my belief of motherhood. For, my belief of motherhood is that it is one of the noblest endeavors one could ever pursue. I think I have always been so excited to be a mother, because I can finally be everything else I've ever wanted to be... a coach, an artist, a baker, a chef, a mentor, a counselor, a friend, a nurse, a teacher, a designer... all combined under one career: motherhood. It's all the things I'm passionate about, combined together, and for someone I already love beyond compare.
I will always stand up for motherhood and family when so much of the world screams an antagonistic view. I pray every day for this little one inside me, whose heartbeat is as strong as mine, and beating at twice the rate... whose body is bigger than my palm, and whose ears can hear my voice sing her to sleep. I am so lucky to be the mother of someone so incredibly complex, with an entire lifetime to develop and learn, and with a potential that only God completely understands. What a privilege to mother another soul, whose existence is equally important as mine, and who I can share my love of Christ with. I am beginning to catch a sweet glimpse of this honor. So much love for my little bean. :)
I think of this quote often:
"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make." -Gordon B. Hinckley
so with all that being said, here is a quick baby update on baby girl...
size of baby: the size of a banana.
how i'm feeling: i sometimes feel bad for being able to tell people i've had an easy pregnancy, physically. i know for many it's the last thing from easy. but really, i feel lucky to be able to say physically, i feel amazing. i'll take it while i get it, because my next pregnancy may be completely opposite... so i'm enjoying the ride.
symptoms: an outrageously large appetite. i am taking full advantage, trust me. also, i'm still having the most bizarre dreams... and don't get me started on the violent dreams i've been having. i promise i'm a nice person in real life... (stopping there.) i finally started to pop! eek! it's so funny looking down at my toes and seeing a little bump in the way. i am loving that. and oh how i'll grow in the next few weeks. i almost noticed myself starting to waddle at work the other day. weird. #pregnancyprobs
best thing about being pregnant right now: bry and i felt her kick for the first time this morning! i woke up and bry put his hand on my belly to see if he could feel her, and sure enough, felt 3 or 4 kicks. i was shocked!! i have been trying and begging to feel her for weeks now, and just like that, she responded to him. go figure. funny that we can say bry was actually the first to officially feel her move... she must be daddy's girl.
we can't WAIT to squeeze our little munchkin in less than five months!
xo
m
